Spoiler: this story ends well
I was exchanged with a top seller from the NW region.(Washington state, Alaska, Montana, Idaho, North and South Dakota). I marveled at God’s seemingly sardonic sense of humor, sending a dead person to revive anything.
My body was moving; I went through all of the motions of being alive- greeting, smiling, shaking hands or bowing. The commander had great hopes for me to bring my winning strategies from California to help his region improve its results. While on the challenge team I had been #2 in the nation in results; I won about six white gold pins and received ten signed photos of True Parents which were given out as prizes after competitions.
Camaraderie and Healing
After five years in sunny, sunny, sunny California, Seattle was completely different; it rained most of the time. Since the majority of our work was outdoors, it was quite an adjustment. But this proved to make it an ideal place to heal. Every day, after being dropped off, I would find a giant evergreen tree, then stand or sit under its drooping branches; they protected me like a huge umbrella. In that safe place, safe from passersby and onlookers, I would cry for as long as it took for me to reach the point where I was willing to leave my haven. The skies were crying. I was crying. There was a camaraderie with nature. This behavior went on for months.
The simple fact
One day I imagined myself dying and appearing before the Gates of Heaven. The angel there asked, ”What are you doing here?” I answered, “My captain killed me” Then he responded, “You let him kill you.”
It was such a perfect response. No accusation. No judgement. Just the simple fact. That’s how you know it is God. Satan screams, threatens, cajoles, badgers, blackmails, seduces, anything and everything to force his will.
God calmly gives the facts, then hopes and prays His/Her children will make the right decision.
So, I just as calmly reasoned, If I let him kill me, then I am also able and responsible to revive myself. I’m going to have to muster all of my strength, will, intellect, and creativity to take my life back. Thus began my healing.
Motivational StrategiesIn this region, the commander was a relatively young Japanese man. One night, shortly after I arrived, he was talking to captains on the phone. They were calling in and reporting their results from the road. With each call, the commander would stand up on a chair and yell into the mouthpiece. Afterwards, he said to me and whoever else was in the room, “I’m yelling at them because this is the only way I know how to motivate them.” I said nothing at the time, but pondered how vastly different Japanese motivational techniques were from American ones.
I expected to make money right away in this new region; I know the laws of indemnity. But the first time I fundraised door-to-door, someone called the police. My selling persona was intense and out-going as it needed to be in CA, but here in Seattle, people were laid back and easy-going. If I was to be successful, I’d have to learn a whole new way of relating to people. I was prepared to work hard and sacrifice, but not to change my sales persona which had been honed for five years. The bulk of my energy was tied up with my traumatized heart. I was akin to an old piece of rubber, no longer able to bend or stretch- just break. This necessary adjustment was definitely going to take time.
My first assignment was on a small team: the captain and one sister, Penny. There had been other members on this team before, but they refused to come back. One sister had even jumped out of the van while it was moving in order to escape the captain. I would soon find out why. He appeared to be kind and mild-mannered. He calmly explained to me a set of rules he had drawn up for his team members; an orderly list he kept with him at all times. I was dropped off with my product and then picked up hours later. When I came to the car, I saw Penny and said hi. Then I got into the car, reported my result and prayed. The captain didn’t move or reply. I started sharing more detail about the area, but Penny was silent and emphatically motioned for me to be quiet. After a while, I asked whether I should stay there or are we going somewhere else. The captain remained with his head bowed for an uncomfortably long time, until I finally figured out that he was seething. When he at last broke his silence, he informed me at a heightened volume of speech that I had not followed the rules. They clearly state that when I arrive, before getting in the car, I report, then I get in, pray and only then, greet others. I had violated this sacred list of directions by greeting Penny first. I was dumbfounded. How ridiculously petty, but I knew the only acceptable response was silent obedience.
This was the beginning of daily scoldings. Every day there was some new infraction. Every detail was magnified. Usually every single pick-up we were dressed down. No wonder no one could stay on his team except sweet-natured Penny.
Meanwhile, I had not brought the instant high results that my commander had wanted and expected from me. In the next large public gathering, the commander chastised me quite harshly. I was a fake. He said. I should send all of my white pins back to my captain in LA because I did not deserve them. My captain had made the effort to bring results, not me.
I had left a region where my captain had been severe and brutishly yelling at me. Now I had a captain and a commander yelling at me. Could things get more miserable?
The Heart Call
One day, my beloved former commander, ZH, called the center. He too had been transferred- from LA to NJ. Perhaps he had a dream about me or just sensed something. It was the first -and only -time a leader has ever called me out of concern. I cherish him and his wife; their daily prayers for members created a cloak of protection that sheltered us from harm. Now, he asked how I was doing. It was hard to answer. I just wanted to cry. He encouraged me to persevere. What did he say? Perhaps, there was always something to be learned- even from a difficult situation. I don’t remember. It was more his heart to call than his words that gave me strength.
Dear brother, ZH, if you are in SW or still here, I thank you for your kindness.
Striving desperately to understand my new predicament, I considered that God may have divided my former captain into two people: one with Cain-type yelling (personally-motivated) and the other with Abel-type yelling (publicly -motivated).In this way I could confront the issue of authority figures reprimanding me and- hopefully- more easily deal with it. This insight made my daily battles more tolerable. There was a purpose to this madness, an end goal to this dark tunnel.
A new member was temporarily assigned to our team; I was given the task of training her. She shadowed me all day, and I explained to her the essential point of loving the people- our potential customers- unconditionally, even if they did not buy. However, I noticed when rejected, she was bad tempered and left the offenders in a huff. That evening when I went to the van to report, the captain asked how it was going with the new member. I was quite frustrated that she was so judgmental. The captain calmly replied, “You’re not angry at her. She’s just learning. You’re really angry at yourself for not always loving the people” I’m not sure if I agreed with him, but it was an interesting theory. I did realize that I was being judgmental towards her. If the only way to teach is through example, I was being a hypocrite in my relationship with her. And how could I expect her to be unconditionally loving right away? It was unrealistic! Thus I was able to take a step back, be more patient and objective towards my trainee.
The next day when the captain began his usual tirade, his words from the night before came back to me: “You’re not really angry at her”, he had said. “You’re angry at yourself”. It was an ‘AHA’ moment that was instantly exhilarating and liberating to me. He was yelling at me with accusations such as: “You have no prayer life! You have no relationship with God!” and now I could hear those words and think: “This is what you feel about yourself. It has nothing to do with me.” I almost laughed with joy. (I didn’t because his situation was too pitiable; he might have thought I was mocking him.) My calmness enraged him more, causing him to spew out ever more accusations. They bounced off me as though I were teflon. He became more infuriated than I had ever seen him, but his ability to discourage me had dissipated.
The following morning, Penny and I went with him to the bank. Before going in, he criticized us as usual. We remained in the car, enjoying the silence. He returned, got into the driver’s seat, then turned around and apologized for yelling at us. It was a shock! I don’t recall a central figure EVER apologizing. I began to cry and then sob. It wasn't just him apologizing. It was my former captain. He had left us standing all night in front of a 7-11, picking us up at 6 AM instead of 2 AM, without ever a word of explanation. Most likely he fell asleep; if he had told us we could easily have forgiven him. But- in his mind- we were not worthy of any explanation. This memory and others came bubbling up, flooding my mind- memories for which I was not even aware I had resentment. And, of course, his cruel, unrelenting reprovals. Now this captain’s apology became universal- expanding to covering all of the sins of my former leaders. How liberating for a leader to repent!
This is, I believe, a law of the universe. We can each stand as a healing axis, dissolving past harm if we are willing to repent in lieu of the original perpetrator. I foresee this becoming an accredited psychological technique- a formal healing method: Surrogate Repentive Healing...or Therapy via Surrogate Repenters. I’m serious.
In (his) reality, this captain was apologizing for his dress down that morning which had been quite insignificant compared to many others, but for me his apology covered more than five years of ill treatment. He must have been surprised; my crying was way out of proportion to his apology. But it didn't matter to me. God was orchestrating this entire thing; there was another expansive dimension involved here that stretched far beyond that specific moment, that car and the three of us.
At last, I had been victorious in my relationship with the ‘Cain-type’ representative. Now I had to tackle the Abel-type representative.
My commander was sorely disappointed with me and reminded me of it at
many public meetings as though others might learn to avoid his wrath through observing my dress downs. Finally, in December, I made a white pin. Was he happy? No. “Anyone can make a white pin in December,” he said dismissively. I silently determined to make a white pin (or the equivalent result) in January, a month notorious for low results. This would require absolute focus, discipline and hard work. I did it. FINALLY the commander could parade me around (symbolically) as the top seller he had hoped for and longed for from the very beginning. Now he could say, “She did it; why can’t you?” ad nauseum. I was the ‘golden girl’...for a while.
My New Central Figure
March came around and the commander announced a new condition: we would make our goal or stay out all night until we did make it.
Since I was a top seller my goal had to be high (relatively)- $300.00 (In LA we used to make more than $1000 a day on the challenge team). Inside, I cringed knowing that if I failed to accomplish, I would again be the object of the commander’s wrath- rejected- a rapid descent into a pit of mistrust and contempt.
That first day of the condition, although I worked without stopping, I made zero result. I called in to report at 10 PM, then continued fundraising. There were all night coffee shops and 7-11 stores where I could approach potential customers. Early in the morning I sold one small picture- $45. I continued that day investing sincerely in each transaction yet the hours passed by with no more sales. As I entered the evening period, a dread was descending upon me, threatening to paralyze my heart. What if I don’t make anything again? I mentally reviewed my day’s efforts. What did I do differently? How could I have done more? Why on other days had I brought results but not today? My mind was racing crazily. Finally I reasoned, God can see everything I said and did today. He knows that I made consistent effort the entire day. Even if my commander accuses me, I know that I am first and always accountable to God. And God is with me 24/7, not just occasionally when I report. If I get God’s approval, that is enough. A peace permeated my mind, my being. My new central figure - who would remain my central figure for life- was God.
I called the center to report my result, bracing myself for the response but calm. The commander said nothing. I asked if I could come home, shower and change, and go back out. He gave me permission. That night I found a motel door open, I crept inside the building crouched down behind the door, somewhat shielded by my picture crate, and slept. Early the next morning, I awoke and started fundraising. One office building, which was normally locked to outsiders, was unlocked since it was so early. I showed my pictures to the employees and within an hour I had sold $900 worth, accomplishing my goal for three days. Now I was victorious in dealing with my authority figure representing Abel-type yelling.
The Ultimate Surgeon
God in His infinite mercy had created this opportunity for me to
overcome my fallen nature. OR- even if He had not created it- He had been able to use it for good. It had surely felt like hell, but in the end, it had liberated me like surgery cutting away deathful cancer.
Since then I have met numerous members who escaped MFT or other missions and remain frozen in time, nursing their wounds and blaming whoever or whatever was the issue at hand. Even if they work in a job outside the church, that same problem will continue to appear, causing them ongoing suffering. Hopefully they will choose to confront it and take responsibility. Otherwise they will take that fallen nature/limitation with them into the spirit world and be weighed down by it for millions of years.
I have lived in numerous centers across the country and observed members act busy when the leader was present but relax when he wasn’t there. If we are working to build God’s kingdom on this earth, why do we need to impress another human being? Isn’t God with us even when the leader is not?
I thank God endlessly for His compassion to care about my well-being. He is the Ultimate Surgeon. I have many more limitations. After seeing how this suffering course was actually for my benefit, I have had greater confidence and faith when I became immersed in future difficult circumstances. To shed its dead skin, True Father tells us, a snake passes through a tight space that seems impossible to navigate.
Now, at the writing of this memoir, I am ever closer to that Golden Door when, need be, I will ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’. Heavenly Parent, please show me what I need to change, what I need to leave behind before coming to greet You.
It is frightening to think of seeing all of my darkness in glaring light, but what other alternatives are there? I want to clean up my essence, my inner being, my heart and soul. Please guide me in this endeavor.
Added notes on my healing experience- a more internal dimension
When I was preschool age, a quiet voice whispered to me, “You were born unlovable.” and then…”Don’t blame anyone. It's just the way it is.” It sounded logical, plausible.. This is why my parents became angry and scolded me; it is impossible to love me. But it is not their fault. It's just the way it is. This was how I reasoned.
That tiny seed became my standard which initiated and colored the modus operandi of my life. My entire childhood is a study of a little person who looked whole externally but was internally severely damaged- crippled in her ability to receive or respond to love.
The Divine Principle saved me-when I was twenty years old- instantly pulling me ‘smack’ into the bosom of God with its brilliantly beautiful shining truth. But even though I started a new life with God, that tiny seed remained hidden, deeply, deeply embedded in my psyche. In California, under duress, when I prayed desperately that God speak through my captain, He did. Utilizing a kind of shock therapy, He caused that poisonous thorn to shake loose and rise to the surface. …”I hate you! ...I hate you more than I have hated anyone one in my entire life!” I could now face it head on.
Since I was born unlovable, did God- the source and essence of LOVE itself- also hate me? Am I destined to be forever hated and reviled?
Satan uses words to destroy- just as he did since his fateful deception with Eve. He mixes his own lies with God’s truth. We human beings must divide everything we think and hear- what comes from God? What comes from Satan?
I was born from Satan's lineage. The much-loved arch-angel whose mission was to protect and teach and guide Eve on God’s behalf instead seduced her and all of mankind descended into a trash heap, separated from God. God has every right to hate me for all that is in me that is not of Him.
But from the very beginning of God’s bitter, horrendous betrayal, He/She has used every possible means to restore His sons and daughters. Along the way, He has been weeping, weeping, weeping under the tremendous burden of this painstaking, bone-melting course of restoration. Yet He will never give up. His desire is for every person-on earth and in the spiritual realm- to return to His bosom.
We are living in a miraculous era when for the first time, through the Marriage Blessing, human beings can be separated from Satan’s lineage. These are the Last Days- the last days of evil and the first days of goodness. Just as Spring begins at the Vernal Equinox- even though it may feel like winter still, the sun has moved into the northern hemisphere; there is no denying Spring. When one day turns into the next-at midnight- it is still blackest night; nonetheless, a new day is born and soon its dawn will be visible to all.
Dear readers, I hope and pray that each and everyone of you will receive the Marriage Blessing. It is a condition which is unsolvable by one’s own efforts. Nevertheless, before or after the Blessing, we each remain responsible to clean one’s mind and heart, separating, removing all of the lies that have tainted us. We are surrounded by lies; our society is inundated by falsehoods that have led to all of the injustices, past and current. This world will not belong to God until every human being is loved and cherished.
To Blame or not
My healing has progressed in leaps and bounds. I know with certainty that God was with me even in my darkest hours. How else could He know of the poisonous seed planted so long ago? Perhaps it was His assigned angel who added “Do not blame anyone” -guidance that served me well throughout my life. Satan’s nature is to blame. I have seen men and women crippled by their insistence on blaming their parents, spouses, or others. We are not truly an adult until we start taking responsibility for who we are.