Simple yet Profound Lesson
In Seattle, a dear brother gave me invaluable advice. He must have noticed that I was a bit low, more than a bit. I had spent many years being depressed and old habits-ways of thinking- die hard. He suggested that I sit down with pencil and paper and write down every thought that was bothering me, point by point. He said, “Don’t stop until you‘ve written down everything. Even ask, Is that all?” He continued, “When you are done, return to point #1 and ask God’s daughter what is her opinion about- or answer to- each point.” I was a bit confused. “What do you mean God’s daughter?” He said, “Don't worry; just try it.” I started off: #1. I’m so selfish!; #2. I never achieve my goal…..I continued on. Because I was now a secretary, I suddenly became objective to the thoughts. I was not emotionally attached to them anymore. When it seemed as though I had reached the end, I dutifully asked, “Is that all?” There was a pause, then a voice responded vehemently, “You’ll never be God’s daughter and you deserve to die!” The last part was delivered screaming. That was surprising, I thought. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Next I wondered about asking God’s daughter. Did he mean Ye Jin Nim or In Jin nim? So I asked, “What does God’s daughter think about point #1. I am so selfish?” From within my own mind and being, a calm, clear voice came: “Yes, I am selfish, but I was much more selfish before I heard Divine Principle, and each day I am learning how to become more unselfish.” The realization that the voice was my own voice- my true voice- was a shock; I began to cry. I am God’s daughter. Yes. Yes. I had heard it hundreds of times but it had stayed lodged in my intellect. Now it became real: I am God’s daughter. How amazing! I am God’s daughter and I have answers to each point and to all of those accusations. Calm, clear answers. Satan’s accusations always contain a bit of truth in them so it is hard to completely reject them. But behind his words, there is always an emotional component that is hateful and evil, intended to manipulate, attack and destroy us. This simple exercise was profoundly liberating for me. Precious Brothers and Sisters The Madison Square Blessing, July 1, 1982, happened when I was working in Alaska. I took a plane back from NY and arrived in the Anchorage airport. Waiting for my ride, i began whistling a holy song. Then some members approached me, having recognized the tune. It was a heavenly encounter. They were living on Kodiak Island where the church had/has a large fish plant. Such precious brothers and sisters! Saving Lives True Father was always thinking of ways to end hunger. He successfully experimented with fish farming and fish powder which is high in protein and needs no refrigeration, thus it can be used to feed people in developing countries and war-torn areas. After WWII, many people in Korea were saved from starvation by peanut butter, which has the same properties- high in protein with no need of refrigeration. Thank you, dear brother, George Washington Carver! The Unseen Rudder That there are brothers and sisters all over the world, busy advancing God’s providence in every possible field of endeavor is a glorious knowledge to keep at the forefront of our mind/heart. Although we may be small in number, a huge ship is moved by a small rudder. This world is inevitably turning in the direction of World Peace and One World Family. I have high expectations for those doing research in the fields of science and technology, working on an instrument that will measure ions and another that will make the spirit world’s existence known. I am praying for your speedy victory! Power of the Blessing Shortly after the Blessing, I was out fundraising when Satan came to accuse me. A woman had declined to buy from me, then Satan hissed, ”You didn’t love that woman enough. If you had loved her more she would have bought.” I stopped in my tracks. “What a ridiculous accusation! And who are you to accuse me of not loving her? You do not love her at all! You don’t care about her well-being or her salvation. You don’t care about anyone! I married someone I did not even know for the sake of world peace. Get behind me, Satan!” And he left! In the chapter on Resurrection in Divine Principle, it explains that we on earth will inevitably be ‘attacked’ in two ways: one is internal (evil spirits tempting or accusing us in our own mind); the other is external-evil spirits using a physical person to tempt or accuse us. I spent many years dealing with both internal and external accusations. This was the first time I responded so aggressively and directly to Satan; I believe absolutely it was the power of the Blessing. True Father said, “The purpose of the Messiah is to bring the Blessing to all mankind.” Amen! Aju! Montana Driving through miles and miles of lush mountainous Montana, I felt a pervading sadness. Although the scenery was remarkably beautiful, I could not shake the sorrow that permeated the landscape. The Native Americans in Spirit World must be wandering close to the earth. I wish that we could do something to comfort their hearts and dissipate their mournfulness. In this state there are twelve major tribal nations living primarily on seven large reservations. About 80,000 people claim Native American ancestry here. In the late 1800s numerous battles were fought on this land between the US Calvary and the Native American people. With the explicit intention to destroy the Native American way of life, it is estimated that about 40 million buffalo were slaughtered. True Father said that above America, there is a dark cloud filled with the angry spirits of Native Americans, Africans and Chinese people who were abused by the US government and its citizens. The rectification of this resentment and bitter anger lies in the hands of those of us now living. (The twelve major tribes: Assiniboine, Blackfeet, Chippewa, Cree, Crow, Gros Ventre, Kootenai, Little Shell Chippewa, Northern Cheyenne, Pend d'Oreille, Salish and Sioux.)
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Spoiler: this story ends well
Ironic joke? I was exchanged with a top seller from the NW region.(Washington state, Alaska, Montana, Idaho, North and South Dakota). I marveled at God’s seemingly sardonic sense of humor, sending a dead person to revive anything. My body was moving; I went through all of the motions of being alive- greeting, smiling, shaking hands or bowing. The commander had great hopes for me to bring my winning strategies from California to help his region improve its results. While on the challenge team I had been #2 in the nation in results; I won about six white gold pins and received ten signed photos of True Parents which were given out as prizes after competitions. Camaraderie and Healing After five years in sunny, sunny, sunny California, Seattle was completely different; it rained most of the time. Since the majority of our work was outdoors, it was quite an adjustment. But this proved to make it an ideal place to heal. Every day, after being dropped off, I would find a giant evergreen tree, then stand or sit under its drooping branches; they protected me like a huge umbrella. In that safe place, safe from passersby and onlookers, I would cry for as long as it took for me to reach the point where I was willing to leave my haven. The skies were crying. I was crying. There was a camaraderie with nature. This behavior went on for months. The simple fact One day I imagined myself dying and appearing before the Gates of Heaven. The angel there asked, ”What are you doing here?” I answered, “My captain killed me” Then he responded, “You let him kill you.” It was such a perfect response. No accusation. No judgement. Just the simple fact. That’s how you know it is God. Satan screams, threatens, cajoles, badgers, blackmails, seduces, anything and everything to force his will. God calmly gives the facts, then hopes and prays His/Her children will make the right decision. So, I just as calmly reasoned, If I let him kill me, then I am also able and responsible to revive myself. I’m going to have to muster all of my strength, will, intellect, and creativity to take my life back. Thus began my healing. Motivational StrategiesIn this region, the commander was a relatively young Japanese man. One night, shortly after I arrived, he was talking to captains on the phone. They were calling in and reporting their results from the road. With each call, the commander would stand up on a chair and yell into the mouthpiece. Afterwards, he said to me and whoever else was in the room, “I’m yelling at them because this is the only way I know how to motivate them.” I said nothing at the time, but pondered how vastly different Japanese motivational techniques were from American ones. Old Rubber I expected to make money right away in this new region; I know the laws of indemnity. But the first time I fundraised door-to-door, someone called the police. My selling persona was intense and out-going as it needed to be in CA, but here in Seattle, people were laid back and easy-going. If I was to be successful, I’d have to learn a whole new way of relating to people. I was prepared to work hard and sacrifice, but not to change my sales persona which had been honed for five years. The bulk of my energy was tied up with my traumatized heart. I was akin to an old piece of rubber, no longer able to bend or stretch- just break. This necessary adjustment was definitely going to take time. The List My first assignment was on a small team: the captain and one sister, Penny. There had been other members on this team before, but they refused to come back. One sister had even jumped out of the van while it was moving in order to escape the captain. I would soon find out why. He appeared to be kind and mild-mannered. He calmly explained to me a set of rules he had drawn up for his team members; an orderly list he kept with him at all times. I was dropped off with my product and then picked up hours later. When I came to the car, I saw Penny and said hi. Then I got into the car, reported my result and prayed. The captain didn’t move or reply. I started sharing more detail about the area, but Penny was silent and emphatically motioned for me to be quiet. After a while, I asked whether I should stay there or are we going somewhere else. The captain remained with his head bowed for an uncomfortably long time, until I finally figured out that he was seething. When he at last broke his silence, he informed me at a heightened volume of speech that I had not followed the rules. They clearly state that when I arrive, before getting in the car, I report, then I get in, pray and only then, greet others. I had violated this sacred list of directions by greeting Penny first. I was dumbfounded. How ridiculously petty, but I knew the only acceptable response was silent obedience. This was the beginning of daily scoldings. Every day there was some new infraction. Every detail was magnified. Usually every single pick-up we were dressed down. No wonder no one could stay on his team except sweet-natured Penny. A Fake? Meanwhile, I had not brought the instant high results that my commander had wanted and expected from me. In the next large public gathering, the commander chastised me quite harshly. I was a fake. He said. I should send all of my white pins back to my captain in LA because I did not deserve them. My captain had made the effort to bring results, not me. I had left a region where my captain had been severe and brutishly yelling at me. Now I had a captain and a commander yelling at me. Could things get more miserable? The Heart Call One day, my beloved former commander, ZH, called the center. He too had been transferred- from LA to NJ. Perhaps he had a dream about me or just sensed something. It was the first -and only -time a leader has ever called me out of concern. I cherish him and his wife; their daily prayers for members created a cloak of protection that sheltered us from harm. Now, he asked how I was doing. It was hard to answer. I just wanted to cry. He encouraged me to persevere. What did he say? Perhaps, there was always something to be learned- even from a difficult situation. I don’t remember. It was more his heart to call than his words that gave me strength. Dear brother, ZH, if you are in SW or still here, I thank you for your kindness. Reassessment Striving desperately to understand my new predicament, I considered that God may have divided my former captain into two people: one with Cain-type yelling (personally-motivated) and the other with Abel-type yelling (publicly -motivated).In this way I could confront the issue of authority figures reprimanding me and- hopefully- more easily deal with it. This insight made my daily battles more tolerable. There was a purpose to this madness, an end goal to this dark tunnel. Eureka! A new member was temporarily assigned to our team; I was given the task of training her. She shadowed me all day, and I explained to her the essential point of loving the people- our potential customers- unconditionally, even if they did not buy. However, I noticed when rejected, she was bad tempered and left the offenders in a huff. That evening when I went to the van to report, the captain asked how it was going with the new member. I was quite frustrated that she was so judgmental. The captain calmly replied, “You’re not angry at her. She’s just learning. You’re really angry at yourself for not always loving the people” I’m not sure if I agreed with him, but it was an interesting theory. I did realize that I was being judgmental towards her. If the only way to teach is through example, I was being a hypocrite in my relationship with her. And how could I expect her to be unconditionally loving right away? It was unrealistic! Thus I was able to take a step back, be more patient and objective towards my trainee. The next day when the captain began his usual tirade, his words from the night before came back to me: “You’re not really angry at her”, he had said. “You’re angry at yourself”. It was an ‘AHA’ moment that was instantly exhilarating and liberating to me. He was yelling at me with accusations such as: “You have no prayer life! You have no relationship with God!” and now I could hear those words and think: “This is what you feel about yourself. It has nothing to do with me.” I almost laughed with joy. (I didn’t because his situation was too pitiable; he might have thought I was mocking him.) My calmness enraged him more, causing him to spew out ever more accusations. They bounced off me as though I were teflon. He became more infuriated than I had ever seen him, but his ability to discourage me had dissipated. Worthy The following morning, Penny and I went with him to the bank. Before going in, he criticized us as usual. We remained in the car, enjoying the silence. He returned, got into the driver’s seat, then turned around and apologized for yelling at us. It was a shock! I don’t recall a central figure EVER apologizing. I began to cry and then sob. It wasn't just him apologizing. It was my former captain. He had left us standing all night in front of a 7-11, picking us up at 6 AM instead of 2 AM, without ever a word of explanation. Most likely he fell asleep; if he had told us we could easily have forgiven him. But- in his mind- we were not worthy of any explanation. This memory and others came bubbling up, flooding my mind- memories for which I was not even aware I had resentment. And, of course, his cruel, unrelenting reprovals. Now this captain’s apology became universal- expanding to covering all of the sins of my former leaders. How liberating for a leader to repent! Universal Healing This is, I believe, a law of the universe. We can each stand as a healing axis, dissolving past harm if we are willing to repent in lieu of the original perpetrator. I foresee this becoming an accredited psychological technique- a formal healing method: Surrogate Repentive Healing...or Therapy via Surrogate Repenters. I’m serious. The Conductor In (his) reality, this captain was apologizing for his dress down that morning which had been quite insignificant compared to many others, but for me his apology covered more than five years of ill treatment. He must have been surprised; my crying was way out of proportion to his apology. But it didn't matter to me. God was orchestrating this entire thing; there was another expansive dimension involved here that stretched far beyond that specific moment, that car and the three of us. At last, I had been victorious in my relationship with the ‘Cain-type’ representative. Now I had to tackle the Abel-type representative. ‘Golden Girl’ My commander was sorely disappointed with me and reminded me of it at many public meetings as though others might learn to avoid his wrath through observing my dress downs. Finally, in December, I made a white pin. Was he happy? No. “Anyone can make a white pin in December,” he said dismissively. I silently determined to make a white pin (or the equivalent result) in January, a month notorious for low results. This would require absolute focus, discipline and hard work. I did it. FINALLY the commander could parade me around (symbolically) as the top seller he had hoped for and longed for from the very beginning. Now he could say, “She did it; why can’t you?” ad nauseum. I was the ‘golden girl’...for a while. My New Central Figure March came around and the commander announced a new condition: we would make our goal or stay out all night until we did make it. Since I was a top seller my goal had to be high (relatively)- $300.00 (In LA we used to make more than $1000 a day on the challenge team). Inside, I cringed knowing that if I failed to accomplish, I would again be the object of the commander’s wrath- rejected- a rapid descent into a pit of mistrust and contempt. That first day of the condition, although I worked without stopping, I made zero result. I called in to report at 10 PM, then continued fundraising. There were all night coffee shops and 7-11 stores where I could approach potential customers. Early in the morning I sold one small picture- $45. I continued that day investing sincerely in each transaction yet the hours passed by with no more sales. As I entered the evening period, a dread was descending upon me, threatening to paralyze my heart. What if I don’t make anything again? I mentally reviewed my day’s efforts. What did I do differently? How could I have done more? Why on other days had I brought results but not today? My mind was racing crazily. Finally I reasoned, God can see everything I said and did today. He knows that I made consistent effort the entire day. Even if my commander accuses me, I know that I am first and always accountable to God. And God is with me 24/7, not just occasionally when I report. If I get God’s approval, that is enough. A peace permeated my mind, my being. My new central figure - who would remain my central figure for life- was God. I called the center to report my result, bracing myself for the response but calm. The commander said nothing. I asked if I could come home, shower and change, and go back out. He gave me permission. That night I found a motel door open, I crept inside the building crouched down behind the door, somewhat shielded by my picture crate, and slept. Early the next morning, I awoke and started fundraising. One office building, which was normally locked to outsiders, was unlocked since it was so early. I showed my pictures to the employees and within an hour I had sold $900 worth, accomplishing my goal for three days. Now I was victorious in dealing with my authority figure representing Abel-type yelling. The Ultimate Surgeon God in His infinite mercy had created this opportunity for me to overcome my fallen nature. OR- even if He had not created it- He had been able to use it for good. It had surely felt like hell, but in the end, it had liberated me like surgery cutting away deathful cancer. Since then I have met numerous members who escaped MFT or other missions and remain frozen in time, nursing their wounds and blaming whoever or whatever was the issue at hand. Even if they work in a job outside the church, that same problem will continue to appear, causing them ongoing suffering. Hopefully they will choose to confront it and take responsibility. Otherwise they will take that fallen nature/limitation with them into the spirit world and be weighed down by it for millions of years. I have lived in numerous centers across the country and observed members act busy when the leader was present but relax when he wasn’t there. If we are working to build God’s kingdom on this earth, why do we need to impress another human being? Isn’t God with us even when the leader is not? I thank God endlessly for His compassion to care about my well-being. He is the Ultimate Surgeon. I have many more limitations. After seeing how this suffering course was actually for my benefit, I have had greater confidence and faith when I became immersed in future difficult circumstances. To shed its dead skin, True Father tells us, a snake passes through a tight space that seems impossible to navigate. Now, at the writing of this memoir, I am ever closer to that Golden Door when, need be, I will ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’. Heavenly Parent, please show me what I need to change, what I need to leave behind before coming to greet You. It is frightening to think of seeing all of my darkness in glaring light, but what other alternatives are there? I want to clean up my essence, my inner being, my heart and soul. Please guide me in this endeavor. Added notes on my healing experience- a more internal dimension Preschool memory When I was preschool age, a quiet voice whispered to me, “You were born unlovable.” and then…”Don’t blame anyone. It's just the way it is.” It sounded logical, plausible.. This is why my parents became angry and scolded me; it is impossible to love me. But it is not their fault. It's just the way it is. This was how I reasoned. That tiny seed became my standard which initiated and colored the modus operandi of my life. My entire childhood is a study of a little person who looked whole externally but was internally severely damaged- crippled in her ability to receive or respond to love. The Divine Principle saved me-when I was twenty years old- instantly pulling me ‘smack’ into the bosom of God with its brilliantly beautiful shining truth. But even though I started a new life with God, that tiny seed remained hidden, deeply, deeply embedded in my psyche. In California, under duress, when I prayed desperately that God speak through my captain, He did. Utilizing a kind of shock therapy, He caused that poisonous thorn to shake loose and rise to the surface. …”I hate you! ...I hate you more than I have hated anyone one in my entire life!” I could now face it head on. Since I was born unlovable, did God- the source and essence of LOVE itself- also hate me? Am I destined to be forever hated and reviled? Words Satan uses words to destroy- just as he did since his fateful deception with Eve. He mixes his own lies with God’s truth. We human beings must divide everything we think and hear- what comes from God? What comes from Satan? I was born from Satan's lineage. The much-loved arch-angel whose mission was to protect and teach and guide Eve on God’s behalf instead seduced her and all of mankind descended into a trash heap, separated from God. God has every right to hate me for all that is in me that is not of Him. But from the very beginning of God’s bitter, horrendous betrayal, He/She has used every possible means to restore His sons and daughters. Along the way, He has been weeping, weeping, weeping under the tremendous burden of this painstaking, bone-melting course of restoration. Yet He will never give up. His desire is for every person-on earth and in the spiritual realm- to return to His bosom. Marriage Blessing We are living in a miraculous era when for the first time, through the Marriage Blessing, human beings can be separated from Satan’s lineage. These are the Last Days- the last days of evil and the first days of goodness. Just as Spring begins at the Vernal Equinox- even though it may feel like winter still, the sun has moved into the northern hemisphere; there is no denying Spring. When one day turns into the next-at midnight- it is still blackest night; nonetheless, a new day is born and soon its dawn will be visible to all. Dear readers, I hope and pray that each and everyone of you will receive the Marriage Blessing. It is a condition which is unsolvable by one’s own efforts. Nevertheless, before or after the Blessing, we each remain responsible to clean one’s mind and heart, separating, removing all of the lies that have tainted us. We are surrounded by lies; our society is inundated by falsehoods that have led to all of the injustices, past and current. This world will not belong to God until every human being is loved and cherished. To Blame or not My healing has progressed in leaps and bounds. I know with certainty that God was with me even in my darkest hours. How else could He know of the poisonous seed planted so long ago? Perhaps it was His assigned angel who added “Do not blame anyone” -guidance that served me well throughout my life. Satan’s nature is to blame. I have seen men and women crippled by their insistence on blaming their parents, spouses, or others. We are not truly an adult until we start taking responsibility for who we are. When I returned to CA from Las Vegas I was immediately assigned to a challenge team. The captain was self-disciplined, hard-working and organized. Our team was often #1 or #2 in the nation. We were usually traveling, on the road, sleeping in hotels, and we worked long hours. All of us respected the captain and acknowledged his high standard, but he could be quite ruthless with the members.
Accident We had a heavily packed U-haul on the back of our van. The captain was driving late at night to another town; everyone else was asleep in the van. The captain may have been driving too fast, or nodded off and swerved; whatever happened, the u-haul and van parted ways after a strong swerve. The uhaul flew past the van and crashed off the side of the road into an embankment. The van was headed towards the U-Haul. If it had hit the U-Haul, the impact would most likely have killed some of our members. But right before the impact, the two brothers in the front seats said they felt someone push their knees up to their chest and push them into the second seat. Then the van turned upside down, crushing the roof above the front seat, and skidded to a stop. I woke up as the van was turning upside down. My thought at that moment was crystal clear: If we live through this, it is really God. Once the van stopped, we had to quickly crawl out the front passenger window which was shattered. As we stood by the side of the road, trying to figure out what happened, all I could say over and over again was: God really loves us. God really loves us. I must have said it 500 times or more. Finally the captain told me to shut up. Another car pulled over and looked at the scene. It was so dramatic, they didn’t think we were involved; they thought we were also spectators. They asked, “Were there any survivors?” Amazingly, none of us required medical attention. It was truly miraculous. God really does love us! Cold shower-tepid gift This captain told all sisters on the team to take a 7 -minute cold shower every morning- just because we were female. Three different times, he told me- I was the team mother- to take an hour- long cold shower because, he said, he didn’t like my attitude. The third time, we were staying at a roadside motel and I could not get cold water from the shower- only tepid. I finally decided it was a very thoughtful gift from God. Team Mother I had been assigned as team mother for almost my entire time on MFT. There was little to no responsibility other than being a good example of unity with the captain and having a good attitude and work ethic. But on this team, a few members approached me to speak to the captain on their behalf. One member asked that her cart be lightened. We used a wooden cart with wheels, stocked with oak-framed pictures with glass. I went to the captain with the member’s request. He was livid. How did I know what was best for the member? I was just thinking horizontally. How could I know what indemnity conditions were needed? I thought about what he said and considered that maybe he was right. How did I know what is best for a member? “Just focus on your responsibility,” he yelled. Unite After that incident, I took no more requests and avoided any effort at comforting members. I focused on my immediate and personal responsibilities. The captain would ask me to do unreasonable things, but I did them. One Sunday morning, he dropped me off in front of a church and told me to fundraise to the pastor. I said nothing, got out of the van and marched up to the church. I was concerned lest he was already preaching from the pulpit. Luckily he was greeting his congregants at the front door, so it was easier to comply. I asked the pastor about buying a picture and he politely asked me to come back after the service. The point was not the sale, but showing the members the standard of absolute unity. In retrospect, a mother and father have different strengths and weaknesses. Both are needed in raising children. Team mothers could have contributed more. But at that time in our church women had little to no voice. Now True Mother is leading our entire movement; women are being asked to take greater leadership roles. Tirades Even though I was exemplary in unity, I wasn’t up to his standard in other areas. But I am not sure what in particular. After the morning run, each member (working in different areas) had to call and report their results. When I would give my report, the captain would commence his tirade at the top of his voice berating my shoddy performance. If I was in an office, borrowing their phone, everyone in the office could hear his yelling. If I was in a parking lot, people would turn and stare, wondering what was going on. One morning and afternoon I had been especially diligent. I usually do not run with the cart, but that day I did run. I was also thinking about God and True Parents all morning. In spite of that, I had little to show for my efforts by the pick-up. The captain was certain I hadn’t invested sincerely. He began to berate me brutishly for being selfish and lazy, He told me to repent as though my life depended on it. I knew that I had not been selfish and lazy that day, but I had been selfish and lazy other times so I could still repent for those times. Afterwards, I was dropped off for about 1-2 hours on a house-to- house run; I made $600.00. Empowered Our beloved commander, ZH, was needed in NY. He was truly a creative and loving leader. I appreciate him and his wife deeply. A new commander was sent to our region, a young white American brother. I gained confidence to share my concerns with this new leader because he spoke English. I explained my captain’s habit of yelling and asked if I could just walk away and fundraise instead of listening to his diatribes. I was the top seller in our center. The commander thought my request was reasonable and said yes. The next time the captain started his tongue-lashing, I picked up my product and walked away. He was shocked; I was known for my obedience. Now, I was empowered. I didn't have to waste time listening to his tirades. Bringing result was my main responsibility. After a month or so, the captain convinced the commander that I was trying to drive a wedge between them. The commander rescinded his permission. It was very disappointing, very disheartening, but I had tried my best to improve a difficult situation. Since that time, I have read True Father’s words: children can go to their grandparents if they are having trouble with their parents. So the commander and captain were wrong in denying me that right. But we keep learning and growing as we go. Also, True Father declared that we are no longer a leader-centered movement, but a member- centered movement (1981). The indemnity I paid was due to a specific time-period that required unity. In addition, many leaders had no training to be leaders and sometimes abused their authority. This is most likely inevitable during emergency periods. It is a blessing to learn and improve by studying past mistakes. God’s words Since I had tried my best, but was now back to square one, I was determined to redouble my efforts to unite. In order to do that I needed God’s help. I prayed intensely, “I want to see my captain from Your point of view. I want to believe that You are speaking through him and unite with his direction.” This difficulty had been going on for more than a year; I needed this renewed point of view and powerful resolve in order to move forward. That night before dropping me off for the evening run, the captain began ‘dressing me down’. I stood silently while he continued on and on. “God is speaking through my captain; God is speaking through my captain.” I reminded myself. Then he ended his tirade this way: “I hate you more than I have hated anyone in my entire life.” His words were like a bullet in my heart. They were not my captain’s words but God’s. Although my body did not crumble to the ground, my spirit went into shock. My captain drove off. I went to a restaurant and cried. I cried for the entire period, tears pouring down my face. I expressed my broken heart to God. I fell in love with God when I heard the Divine principle. I joined this movement out of my love for God. I know I am a fallen person but to be so hated was excruciating. I wrote my sorrowful letters to Him on napkins. The waitress was extremely sympathetic; she allowed me to cry undisturbed, bringing me more napkins as needed. All along on this team, I had felt that I was like a prize race horse, completely loyal to my ‘master’- the captain. I wanted to race the fastest I possibly could, but no matter how fast I ran, my master was never satisfied. He beat me mercilessly, beat me until my flesh was bleeding, beat me until my bones were broken. Now my bloody body was finally dead at his feet. The next day I rose, brushed my teeth and dressed, but I would just as soon have climbed into a coffin, laid down, never to get up again. I made the motions of a person who is living; I had the appearance of being alive. If anyone knew what I was feeling inside- I would have been immediately admitted to a mental ward. I was not in my right mind, but I said nothing to anyone. God saw and knew everything. A direction came down from the ‘top’. There was going to be an exchange. The Northwestern region with its center in Seattle was trading their top seller with LA’s top seller: me. I would go to ‘revive’ their region. If I had any sense of humor, I might have found the situation humorous: sending a dead person to bring life. As usual I said nothing; I just packed my bags. In May 1979, True Father called many members to come to a matching ceremony in New York. It was the first matching held in America. Everyone in the Las Vegas Center was qualified but me. I hurriedly helped others one pack their bags and leave for the airport. The next day a call came for me to come also.
The experiences of the Matching, the Blessing (1982) and the challenges and adventures of my interracial marriage will fill another book. But below are two snippets that occurred immediately after the matching. How God Hears The day members returned from the matching ceremony in New York City there was an airport ground workers’ strike and planes were delayed for hours. I fell asleep in the airport and had a short but very memorable dream. A MFT brother was singing in my dream but I could not hear him. This brother, SD, had one of the worst voices I have ever heard in my life. In our church we sing a lot- for worship and also entertainment. The first time I heard this brother sing a solo for a holiday gathering, I could not tell what in the world he was singing. I tried to pinpoint the notes, struggling to make sense of what I was hearing to no avail. Luckily, he always sang the same song, so this helped us, the audience, tremendously. In my arrogant self, I wondered why he sang when his voice was so bad. Back to my dream: He was singing in my dream. An angel was standing beside me and said simply, “You don't know how beautiful his voice is. You don't know how beautiful his voice is.” I woke up. I was shocked. God listens completely different than we do on earth. God's standard is heart, heart, heart, heart. The beginning and end standard. God sees, hears, tastes, smells, feels heart. By heart I mean the pure, sincere, unselfish love that transcends all barriers. If we want to speak the same language as God, we have to start here. I did not realize how arrogant I was about art and music. Because I had a good voice and art ability, I assumed most other people did also. When I found out that they did not, I even found it odd. Arrogance is not inclusive enough of my affliction- clueless, socially inept, ..I’m sure there are more adjectives. (On a side note: I read a book in college by a mathematician. In it, he was bemoaning how ignorant and insufferable people are who have limited math ability. I am in that unfortunate group, but I could laugh because I recognized he shared the same affliction that I had- measuring others from one’s strengths. Hopefully, in old age, we have both grown beyond that disposition toward arrogance.) I shared my dream with the brother who was in it. I know it was a gift from God, not only for him, but also a gentle reminder for me to consider others from God’s perspective- including my new husband-to-be. 3-Day Trial I returned to Las Vegas after the matching and engagement ceremony. RP, the brother with whom I had worked so well before - witnessing in the casinos- picked me up at the airport. Almost the instant I got into the car, I felt a strong sexual tension between us. I was horrified. I considered my matching official in the eyes of God; I was not supposed to look at any other man as a boyfriend. In our normal day-to-day living, we also avoid any such feelings; celibacy in thoughts, feelings, words and actions are the standard. Usually I am so focused on my mission that I am like a horse with blinders on, oblivious to all around me. But now I was suddenly confronted with this powerful sexual attraction. Immediately I became angry toward this brother, snapped rudely at him and refused to work with him at all. I think I initially blamed him, but he did not say or do anything out of the ordinary. I definitely sought to create as much distance between us as I could. As soon as possible, I wanted to report my situation to a central figure. Satan loves to multiply evil especially when we keep it hidden. Unfortunately, my immediate central figure in the Las Vegas center was a young American male. I was far too embarrassed-and somewhat distrustful of him- to share my dilemma. He was a somewhat horizontal-type person; he might not take my feelings seriously, whereas I felt it was a matter of life and death. I asked permission to call our commander in LA. His wife answered and said that he was on the road- unreachable. Her English was not good enough for me to report to her, so I decided to persevere. Perhaps these feelings would disappear by morning. They did not. The next day they were as strong as ever. I could not look at this brother or be near him. I tried to call my commander again; he was still gone. The third day with no improvement, I felt that I might just go crazy; the commander was still unavailable. I went to the prayer room and decided to have an earth-shaking prayer. I heard in Barrytown Training, that before marriage we can love True Father (or True Mother for boys) as our betrothed. I looked at True Father’s photograph and pledged my loyalty to him, declaring that I did not want to be attracted to anyone else before my marriage. Immediately, I felt thousands of spirits that had been attached to my body, leave and go to True Father’s picture. The sexual feelings were completely gone. COMPLETELY! Those spirits had been touching, stimulating every part of my body, especially my most sensitive parts, trying to cause me to fall. The fact that they rushed to True Father made me think about the Restoration Chapter of Divine Principle. Evil spirits (who can only do evil) try to initiate evil on earth; when the person overcomes their temptation, the evil spirits gain merit along with the person who overcame the trial. I am not 100% sure that was what was happening. Everything is recorded in the spirit world, so I will check the video when I get there. But how very, very, very grateful I am to be over that wretched ordeal. It also made me consider that Satan was threatened by my engagement. True Father said that the fastest way to world peace was through marriages of people from different races, different religions and from enemy nations. Satan was trying to destroy my interracial marriage before it even began. I brought victory in this horrendous trial by holding onto God, True Parents and the Divine Principle. I will- I must- remember this in my future battles. In 1979 True Father asked the MFT commanders to send some of their members out to witness and do Home Church. I was ecstatic. We had been forbidden to witness on MFT although some years later I heard True Father say that MFTers should have been witnessing when they went out each day.!!!! This special national dispensation had to do with making extra indemnity conditions for the upcoming blessing which none of us knew about at the time.
A knife in the heart A handful of us were sent out to Las Vegas and the members there were sent to fundraise. A small memory emerged as I am writing this. One former Las Vegas member was fundraising and barely bringing any result. The commander called me over. He told me, ‘Ask that brother how much he made. Then say, what sister would want to be blessed to you?!’. I was dumbfounded. All day long I focused on loving people. Now I am being asked to drive a knife into someone’s heart. He had to repeat the directions; my horror at being asked to do such a thing caused my brain and hearing to momentarily freeze. I did say it; I couldn’t look at the brother, but I said it. If he is reading this now, please forgive me. If, in some alternative universe of which I am unfamiliar, he was actually motivated by shame and it helped him bring better results, then I am grateful to have served him. Home Church In the outskirts of Las Vegas, we did Home Church, going door-to-door and serving the community. We visited apartments and houses many times and gained the trust of the residents who were surprised that we kept returning. I washed dishes, cleaned people’s yards, changed ceiling light bulbs for elderly, and spent hours combing the knots out of a young girl’s tresses. After a spat of home burglaries, I organized a police education event on safety which was well attended.. Each member had a different area of 360 homes with a notebook to keep track of our activities. During the summer break we joined forces and organized sports events and contests for the youth. At some point we transitioned to witnessing in the heart of Las Vegas, entering the casinos and approaching people at the ‘one-armed bandits’ ( slot machines). One brother, RP, was as crazy about witnessing as I was. Since casinos are open all night, we had 24 hour stints. To avoid being kicked out by security guards, we’d loiter near the front, casually strike up a conversation with a customer, broach the subject of God or the purpose of life, then invite the person to our nearby center to hear a lecture- even at 2 AM! While RP lectured on a white board, I would make cookies. It was thrilling to witness round the clock. One day the team took a trip out to Red Rock Canyon about 25 miles west of the Las Vegas strip. I grew up in Eastern Pennsylvania, lush with green forests- pine, maple, oak, hemlock, sycamore and more- all in a graceful, harmonious dance to share light and water and soil. The terrain is mountainous with waterfalls and caves. In fall the landscape bursts with brilliant colors. Everywhere there are bird songs and woodpeckers’ hammering. The revered woods brim with creatures- squirrels, mice, salamanders, frogs, snakes, racoons. Branches and leaves rustle; water gurgles over rocks and laps at the banks. Fish jump and slash and bugs add their varied accompaniment to the ever-present, never-ending orchestra of nature sounds. Here in Red Rock Canyon, the dry, burning desert stretched out for miles. Soundless. Motionless. All creatures hid from the heat. The vast expanse was astoundingly still. Not a tree to be seen. Only sand and rocks. Far distant cliffs were striped with varying gradations of red- millions of years of sediment. It felt as though I was standing on another planet. I had previously thought that deserts were something bleak and dismal- to be avoided at all costs as in the lifeless, deathful sand dunes of Saudi Arabia. But this place was magical. Never had I ‘heard’ such silence. Never had I experienced a place so dry, so peaceful, so still. It was intoxicating. Just one giant’s step away from the Entertainment Capital of the World - Sin City, with its non-stop lights and bustling people, frantic to spend their money. Here the peace and calm were a welcome reprieve- transformative- a gift. Yet more and more gifts from the Endless Giver. I wrote this song, speaking to God in the form of Red Rock Canyon, my new friend. Red Rock Canyon Red Rock Canyon once beneath the sea Now you’re a piece of art, a lovely thing to see I go to you when I am lonely You bring happiness to me Red Rock Canyon, Red Rock Canyon What a good friend you’ve come to be From here I see Las Vegas shining bright Glowing for miles- somehow it doesn’t seem quite right So many people, so many lonely Searching for a brighter light Red Rock Canyon, Red Rock Canyon When will they find that truer light? Perched on this rock, I watch your evening show Sun melting slowly, all the clouds with colors glow Your awesome peace and sincere beauty Freely you give to friend and foe Red Rock Canyon, Red Rock Canyon Your gift I’ll share when I must go During the summer months when the children were out of school, the handful of members doing Home Church in Las Vegas decided to work together and create sports events for all of the children in our areas.
$4.00 One afternoon I was on an errand with the group leader; we were picking up photographs that had been developed at the drug store. The photos were of the neighborhood youth in our sports contests. I looked at the paperwork and mentioned that the expense was high. The group leader said it was all for a good purpose; now he could revisit the homes and share the photos with each family. That sounded reasonable. Then I noticed that he had paid someone $4.00 to type up the contest results. “I could have written everything up nicely and saved that $4.00”, I lamented. The leader responded sensibly, “You’re making a big fuss over nothing. Why are you worrying about $4.00?” He left me in the van and went into the store. I sat there thinking, “Am I wrong? Am I being petty?” Along with being a top fundraiser, I was also very frugal. One month-back in CA- the center had a competition; who could save the most money from our meal stipend. I won. I didn’t spend a single penny. I asked Mexican laborers to buy me tacos at the food trucks if they didn’t give a donation. But I think this had more to do with the value I attached to money from my experiences earning it. There have been days when I made 25 cents an hour for a stretch - and not from being lazy; I was asking people exiting the grocery store and running after them into the parking lot to buy carnations or give a donation. Somehow - those extreme trials must have become etched into my bones. Four dollars equated sixteen hours of hard labor on a hot day. “I’d better step back and get some perspective”, I decided. "My group leader is probably right”. Just then, he came out of the drugstore and began looking back and forth, then finally came to the van. I asked him, “Did you forget where you parked?” “No”, he replied. “I found this money on the ground, but I didn’t see anyone around who could have dropped it.” It was exactly $4.00. I silently laughed; an angel dropped it. To God, every penny is precious; He wants us to be good stewards, but more importantly, He zeros in on our motivation. He honored my sincerity. How tender-hearted God is. How incredibly kind! The Screen Door Rip
Less than a year into fundraising, I was out one Sunday going house to house. I focused on loving the people I met and steadily advanced, moving through the neighborhood. As the day progressed, I noticed that my result was low. I wondered if I was being TOO loving. Should I be more aggressive? Should I push the people a bit? I was thinking about these things as I waited outside one house. When I knocked, the person had said through a crack in the door, “I don't want to buy anything”. So I asked for a donation. Now I was thinking these thoughts as I waited for her to return. When she did come back, she slipped a small coin purse through a rip in the screen. “Keep the purse,” she said, then added, “It’s a tithe I would have given to my church.” I walked a short distance away, then opened the purse. There was more than $60.00 in it. I felt that this was confirmation: I should continue loving the people sincerely rather than trying to push them to buy. To Defeat with Unselfishness As mentioned earlier, I spent the majority of my childhood/youth mired in depression. My first five years on MFT were an opportunity to overcome the many bad habits I had developed that often drew me into a quagmire of negative thoughts and emotions. Satan and evil spirits have a most powerful weapon; secrecy. People think the evil thoughts in their head are their own. Every day when I fundraised, I had to break through in prayer before I could even approach the first person. Evil spirits surrounded me and figuratively bashed me over the head with accusations. “You're no good... You’ll never amount to anything.... You'll never be God’s true daughter”, etc. The accusations would continue ad nauseam, until I finally accepted as fact that I was unsalvageable. But, I would continue, even if I cannot save myself, I can help other people. (By buying my product, people are contributing to God’s will and God can draw them closer.) Once my attention was no longer centered on myself, the evil spirits no longer had power over me. They stood by dumbfounded, not knowing how to continue tormenting me and finally left as failures. I joyfully went out fundraising and remained upbeat- that is, until I got into the van and was dropped off again. Then I had to do the whole thing over again...and at night after the last drop off, I had to fight the same internal battles AGAIN! One night I said to Heavenly Father, “If this battle everyday is to save my life it’s not worth it to me. It is so miserable to do this over and over and over again. If it is only for me, I would rather just die. But if it can help someone else- future generations or other people walking this same path- then I can continue. This struggle has to have a bigger purpose than just me.” I did not die. And I knew then (and now) that I could not take my own life. I had no other option but to continue on. Talking to God was reassuring; I knew I was not alone. Eventually I only needed one breakthrough prayer a day. The promise and the command Another night, after being dropped off for an evening ‘run’, I walked behind a bank so as not to be seen from the street. Pacing back and forth, I sang the holy song, “Oh, My Little Lambs” over and over and over again. There is so much Divine Principle in this song. The song begins with a person overcome by despair and alone. Next, Christ walks by, carrying a cross- he is the one you’ve been looking for; follow him! The third verse: You may face severe difficulties, but receive him wholeheartedly. And the beautiful promise: you shall be healed. heavenly strength will fill your soul. And deep boundless joy will swell within you eternally. Oh, what a beautiful promise. The last verse: Now is the time to have a joyful heart. [don’t wait until you’ve already been healed.] Go out and love all mankind. Love everyone throughout the world. Give them the love that I give you, O. my little lambs. Even just writing this uplifts my heart/mind. Thank you, thank you, thank you, dear brother or sister who wrote these words. 180 degrees opposite True Father once said, “If you made low result, be grateful that you could pay indemnity. If you made high result, repent. Your ancestors were helping you and perhaps you could have done more.” I find it amazing that True Father often thinks in the exact opposite way that average people do. A Child’s Cool Hand Our fundraising team rarely took time off, but one night we were allowed to go to the movies. Everyone was excited, however we could not agree on what to watch. The captain decided on ‘The Deer Hunter’ which had good reviews in the newspaper. The movie centers around a group of young men- friends- from a blue collar community in rural Pennsylvania. They go to serve in the Vietnam War and all are traumatized by the violence; one man becomes addicted to drugs and plays Russian Roulette in a Vietnamese gambling den, ultimately killing himself. We came out of the movie numb, stunned by the brutality, inhumanity and suicide. When we got into the van the captain said, “Ok we’ve got to lift our spirits; let’s sing a holy song.”. I hoped he wouldn’t choose some upbeat marching-type song, but he did- “We are the Youth, Soldiers of the Truth”. Because unity is the rule of the day, I united (reluctantly). As I sang, I had the image of God -as a grandfather- lying in bed, sick and feverish. Singing the holy song was akin to a child putting his/her small cool hand on God’s forehead to comfort Him. Perhaps because I united against my will, I received this gift- to learn that the power of singing a holy song was a sweet, much appreciated gesture of love and comfort to God. Filling a vacuum Once, after the team had shared lunch in the van, our captain asked me to offer a prayer before we started to fundraise again. In my prayer, I empathized with God’s sorrowful heart and promised we would comfort Him with our sincere effort. Afterwards, the captain was livid. “What kind of prayer was that?!” he yelled indignantly. “That was like a prayer over a meal, not one for fundraising!” He dropped me off angrily - and never asked me to pray a representative prayer again. A person’s prayer is often their most sincere and vulnerable time- communicating with God. It was for me; I felt numb from his verbal attack as though I had been brutally flattened by a bulldozer. I sat under a tree for a long time trying to recover. Since I focus on loving the people when I fundraise, I wondered how I could possibly love them at this moment when I felt so crushed and empty. Nevertheless, I needed to start somehow. I forced myself to get up, walk up to the first door, open my mouth and introduce myself. Since I was devoid of energy and emotion, I had no expectations. But an amazing thing happened; I felt God’s love pour down from above my head; pour down into me, through my mouth and outward to love this person with my words. It was a vivid, substantial sensation. From this experience, I know absolutely that if we have nothing left to give, but we still make effort, God will love through us. If I understood physics, I might be able to explain as True Father does, in terms of low pressure and high pressure areas and the universe seeking to restore the correct balance, but I am not confident to express myself in those terms. Surely, it was an unforgettable experience. Chicken soup If you’ve never had a spiritual experience, you might find this one hard to fathom. I am still amazed by it almost fifty years after the fact. Pennsylvania, where I grew up, has four distinct seasons. Here in CA there is only one- sunny. I was fundraising during Christmas time and I had a cold. The holiday season was oddly warm and unfamiliar. Since I was feeling sluggish I decided, uncharacteristically, to stop and have some chicken soup. I sat at a table, ordered and, while waiting, caught bits and pieces of conversations around me: negative gossip, complaints- it felt uncomfortable. When my soup arrived, I bowed my head and prayed, thanking God for the food and asking Him to join me. When I opened my eyes: Heavenly Father (as a grandfather) was sitting at the table across from me with True Parents sitting to His right. I was shocked. I hadn’t asked True Parents to come! I wouldn’t have because I knew they were busy every day with worldwide responsibilities. I felt self conscious with them sitting here. In addition, Heavenly Father was crying. I thought to myself, how can I eat when Heavenly Father is crying? Although I didn’t say it aloud, He Immediately wiped His tears away and put on a pleasant face so that I would be more comfortable. I acknowledged his thoughtfulness non-verbally and began to eat, my eyes glued to my bowl. I could see True Parents in my peripheral vision but I was too embarrassed to look up. They sat calmly, not visibly disturbed to have been summoned to my table. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t look at their watches impatiently. I knew that I could have asked them anything and they would have answered me, but I didn’t. I just felt the urgent need to eat as quickly as I could so that they could return to their work. I finished my soup. Then I got up and bowed slightly, respectfully, to Heavenly Father and True Parents, thanking them for joining me. I grabbed my product, turned and left. Once out on the street, I could breathe more easily. I wondered: Why didn’t True Parents say anything. Why didn't they scold me, like: “Why aren’t you out fundraising?!” I pondered this. At last, I decided it must be because they trusted me; they knew I was working hard. That is the only answer that made sense. When I finally accepted this as the reason, it was gently and warmly self-affirming. True Mother Walks with Me One night the captain dropped me off for a bar run. It was probably 9 or 10 PM and I would stay out until 1 or 2 AM. The captain explained which way to go and where he would pick me up, then drove off. He had dropped me off in a quiet residential area not too from the main street so as not to draw attention. After he left, I just stood there a while; I was so tired. I knew that if I sat down it would be all over. So no matter what, I told myself: I MUST NOT SIT DOWN! I resisted that urge for a while-successfully- but then I could not remember which way I was supposed to walk to get to my area. My mind was in an impenetrable fog. How long did I stand there, not moving? Time belonged to a dimension just beyond my grasp. Suddenly, True Father walked right past me. Down the street. To my right. That must be the way I’m supposed to go, I thought, but my legs did not move. True Father was already at the next block. “Wow! That’s True Father”, I said to myself. “You’re having a spiritual experience.” But my feet remained frozen to the spot. I continued watching as True Father continued moving. “I’ll never catch up to him.” I surmised…still imprisoned in a daze. Then True Mother came up to me and gently took my left hand in hers. She coaxed me to take a step. First, one. Then another. Then I was walking, True Mother beside me, slowing in the direction True Father had gone. We reached the intersection; then both were gone, having accomplished what they came for. I finished my bar run and made it to my pick up point. I also thought a lot about True Mother, when I was able to think clearly again. True Mother’s course is more complex than I thought. While True Father is dashing forward, True Mother must encourage the children to keep up, to go in the same direction, constantly, gently encouraging, coaxing. In some ways, True Mother’s course may be even more difficult. The Last Hour of the Day I cannot count the many times that my entire result came in the last hour of my run. One memorable Saturday, my goal was $400. It was sometime after 1 AM when I entered a Chinese restaurant. The staff told me to return later; the owner would be back soon. (I was selling oak- framed pictures.) At 2 AM, I returned to find the front door locked. I went around back and found the owner getting into his car. He asked me to return tomorrow, but I told him we would not be in the area. Reluctantly, but succumbing to my pressure, he reopened his restaurant and invited me in. I set up my pictures and he bought $400.00 worth. I hadn’t sold a thing all day even though I was giving my best effort. This happened so many times I began to wonder if God was trying to teach me something bigger than just an MFT lesson. One obvious lesson is to never give up; I had to invest consistently and sincerely until the very last possible moment. Jesus encouraged his disciples to “endure to the end.” I think that the Kingdom of Heaven may happen in a similar manner as my MFT result, at the last moment, sprouting up like Spring flowers overnight. We must never tire of giving, never lose faith, thinking that our effort was useless. God sees everything, knows everything. All sincere efforts are accumulating. Therefore the key is our constant heart, investing with a sincere heart. Unconscious One night, before going to bed, the commander had us all gather in the prayer room and asked us just to say, “Heavenly Father” as our prayer. I quickly broke through; I could feel God’s heart so close and cried deeply. The next morning, I decided to try the same thing before I started fundraising. I was hoping for a quick and ‘easy’ response from God. But that did not happen. I called “Heavenly Father” over and over, one hundred times, one thousand times. Why was He not answering me? Why was he not responding? My calling became more desperate. Then I found Heavenly Father lying unconscious on the ground. I was distraught, even panicking. “Why is He lying like this? What happened?” My heart was racing, my thoughts convoluted, bouncing around wildly in my head. I continued to call Him: “Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father….Heavenly Father.” ...hoping that my calling would revive Him, but there was no movement. His blood was not circulating well; He was cold. I looked around, found a blanket and pulled it over Him, wanting to bring warmth to Him as I continued to call ever more frantically. Neither the blanket nor my pleading had any impact. Suddenly, True Father appeared. He knelt down by Heavenly Father’s head and gently placed it in his lap. Immediately faint color began to return to Heavenly Father’s face, although he still did not open His eyes or stir. I could just tell that His blood was circulating again. I was amazed. Nothing I did brought any relief or change to Heavenly Father, but all True Father had to do was touch Him. I realized that all this time since I had joined the Movement (about 1 ½ years), I was trying to relate to Heavenly Father on my own, which is a very Jewish approach (like Abraham, Moses), but it isTrue Father who is in the position to revive Heavenly Father. I must unite with him if I really want to help Heavenly Father. The second I realized that, True Father gave me a strong direction in Korean- probably to run and get some medicine. I jumped up and ran...in this alternate reality- the dimension where spiritual visions occur. As I descended back to the physical plane, I had a profound, deeper respect for True Father. Wrong song Do you know other people who are spiritually open? Chances are they lack some essential ‘common sense’ or valuable aspects of social etiquette. I heard that some brothers and sisters raised money by singing in bars. I decided to try that. Next time I went into a bar selling roses and no one wanted to buy anything, I asked the bartender if I could sing a song. “Suit yourself” the easy-going bartender responded. I sang, “Oh, My Little Lambs”, a song only suited for church service- for worship not entertainment. The few customers at the bar groaned, said goodnight to the bartender and left, The bartender was aggravated that I caused his customers to leave. I realized too late that this wasn’t the best choice of songs. This is just one example of my poor social skills, my frequent cluelessness. Spiritually- open people receive a lot of information that others don’t, but they often miss what is obvious to everyone else. Fake power After my snafu, I tried singing again. This time I sang ‘The Rose’ (made famous by Bette Midler) and won a $50 prize. Three times during my MFT career, after I sang in a bar or lounge, I had strangers run up and beg to be my agent, to promote my singing. Years later while living in Boston, I was again fundraising but to support my family- selling roses in bars on the weekend. One particular bar had a piano and occasional performers, so each time I came by they let me sing. I know many songs from musicals: Sound of Music; Carousel; Oklahoma; My Fair Lady; South Pacific, Fiddler on the Roof, etc. The audience really enjoyed my singing, listening attentively while I performed. Afterwards they would buy my roses or give me donations out of appreciation. I could understand how musicians can “live for their audience” (like Judy Garland); it is an intoxicating feeling to be appreciated, even adored. One weekend, I had a sore throat, but tried to sell roses anyway. The customers were disinterested and even dismissive. To them my talent- my musical ability- was what made my life have value; when I didn’t have the talent I was no longer worth anything. But to God, my living to help others, to build God’s kingdom was the most important value in my life. The customers couldn’t see that at all; they had a warped sense of true value. I realized that talent, beauty, intellectual genius and money are all forms of ‘fake power’. People will be attracted to you if you have any of those, but the real problem is when the person who has one or more of those thinks that is where his or her value lies; they ignore developing their integrity or growing their heart until it’s too late. Precious Ant One Friday evening around 5 PM, the captain dropped me off at the exit of a drive- through bank to sell roses. It was payday and I could easily have sold my entire bucket. Unfortunately I was experiencing some very bad menstrual cramps. I went to a nearby gas station and asked to use their restroom. The pain grew worse, the sensation was akin to a melon spoon, scooping out large chunks of my insides. I wondered if this was indemnity for my ancestors’ sin...or perhaps my own. My mind was swirling with possible reasons why I was in so much agony, but my anxiety only added to my misery. I felt like I was going to die. If I did die, I wanted to be with God, but if I died with this mental turmoil, I would surely be in Hell. So I prayed, ‘God, I don’t understand why I am experiencing this pain, but I know I am Your daughter. I offer this up to You. Thank you for loving me.” Immediately the mental turmoil dissipated; the physical pain remained. I realized that the mental/emotional pain was far worse than the physical pain….this led me to some fleeting insights how True Father was able to deal with torture. The gas station attendant banged on the door. He was closing up and wanted the key back. I returned the key, in a compromised walk, then I ‘hobbled’ to the back of the station and lay down in the dirty, oil-splattered gravel of their makeshift parking area. That is how sick I felt. “If they want me to move from here, they are going to have to call an ambulance,“ I thought. Luckily, no one bothered me. Now I was alone with my pain. I just had to wait until these intense spasms subsided as I knew they would eventually. Lying there, I became aware that there was a small ant crawling on my belly where my shirt and pants separated. My grimace turned to a smile. “I see that I am not alone. God saw fit to send me a tiny friend to keep me company. How very, very thoughtful.” Most people would have brushed the ant away, but I was in an altered state due to my pain. This ant was definitely a love messenger from God, letting me know He was here with me. God’s love is so intimate. Maybe someone else would need a person in order to feel comforted; an ant was fine for me. The pain finally subsided to the point where I could stand. I made my way to the bank exit just before the captain drove up. I said nothing as I got into the van with a full bucket of roses. If he is reading this memoir, he can finally know why I didn’t sell any during that drop off. While fundraising, I rarely thought about money. Perhaps that sounds odd. In the morning, we would go out in teams, usually 5-6 sellers with a captain who drives us in a van to our destinations. He (I only had a female captain once) is also overall responsible for the product and the area. Each of us determines an external goal (the amount of money we want to make by the end of the day) and an internal goal (something on which to keep our mind focused and to help our hearts to grow). If we keep our mind centered on our internal goal- which may be: to learn God’s parental heart; to keep a good attitude/ grateful heart all day; to see God working- then the seller will make the external goal, even if the van breaks down, the captain is late or any other uncontrollable event transpires. It's pretty amazing -this law of the Universe.
If a person doesn’t make their goal, he/she can look back and analyze the day- what did I do that caused me to lose focus? In this way one’s fallen nature, one’s self-destructive habits, or how satan was able to invade through another person (i.e. someone who wants to talk to you for hours because they are lonely) becomes clear. My goal was usually to love the people unconditionally throughout the day, to love them in place of God, greeting them as His long-lost son or daughter, treating them with as much love and respect for their original nature as I could. To reach that point I started off each day with intense prayer, even sometimes for an hour, because I had a lot of negative spirits around me. One evening I entered a convenience store wanting to sell to the cashier. He was busy with a customer so I waited. A popular song came over the radio: ‘You are so Beautiful to Me’. I was thinking how this store keeper and customer were precious to God. Then I thought if these strangers were precious to God, then how so the people who are working for God every day; almost embarrassed that God might be singing to me through that song. I thought of all of the members choosing to walk this way and this song slowly emerged. You are so Beautiful to Me also called The Blessing Song You are so beautiful to Me I’ve waited so long for this day to be I look into your eyes and find The smile of My child- your heart is finally Mine I’ve waited so long for this day for you to come back home; I’ve waited so long just to call you My very own And now the joy I feel to have you here relieves My pain; Six thousand years will disappear and we shall start again. I know it’s hard to realize The preciousness and value of your lives But though it’s difficult to see Your daily tears and sweat are changing history We’ve waited so long for this day when we could find our home And now we’re here let’s never, ever again be alone For by ourselves the peace and joy we seek will never be; Only when we’re as one we’ll find true love eternally You are so beautiful to Me You are My hope to save humanity With servant’s shoes and parent’s heart The Kingdom of Love through you finally can start You are so beautiful to Me. I think this song was the first time I created an original tune; I don’t think it is very good. After the Yankee Stadium Rally, I was placed on a witnessing team in Connecticut. I’m not sure why I wasn’t sent back to Wisconsin. The leader of the team I was on was the same person who had been in charge of the Chicago center when I had joined. He was quite strict. Although I was a passionate witnesser, I had poor time management skills and was often late for pick up, causing everyone to wait. The leader lost patience with me so often that I finally felt it would be better if I left. This is the only time I ever seriously considered leaving the church. It seemed to me that I was causing too many problems and everyone would be better off without me.
The day I decided to leave, I first went out fundraising with a sister. My weak plan was merely to walk away before the last pick-up. When she and I stopped for lunch, I thought, I may never see her again or any of my brothers and sisters. Let me connect more heartistically before I go. I asked her about her experiences in New York, preparing for the Yankee Stadium Rally. (I had stayed behind in Wisconsin to fundraise for the center bills and drove up just a day before the event.) She told me that New Yorkers are very blunt and members were cursed and kicked out of many places. One day True Father had gathered everyone and asked how it was going. Then he said,” I wish that I could pay all of the indemnity myself so that you would not have to.” Hearing True Father’s words, I felt that he was saying those words to me at that very moment; I began to cry and cry. True Father already knows my heart, my difficulty. He would willingly take it all upon himself if it were possible. How could I ever leave such a true man, my True Father? I returned to the center with new resolve to persevere. Some time later a call went out for volunteers to go to MFT (Mobile Fundraising Team). I volunteered, wanting to do whatever True Father needed. Strangely, my leader was angry with me. I guess his nature was to get angry easily. I joined the first fundraising team that was led by students from UTS (Unification Theological Seminary). We drove across the country from DC to CA. The West Coast is dramatically different from the East Coast. I grew up in Pennsylvania which embodied a strong Protestant ethic: work hard, be serious. California was party, party, party! Very image conscious, friendly but in a superficial way. (I apologize to Californians; this was my impression.) I fundraised various products up and down the CA coast for 5 years. My experiences could fill another book. I am deeply grateful for the time I was on MFT; it was like a kindergarten where one can learn to live and apply the Divine Principle every day. Most of the time I worked alone fundraising which I preferred. We had many different kinds of products to sell. One stretch we sold carnations at stop lights. It was dry and very hot (100 degrees or more), but standing beside cars with their engines running magnified the heat. What does one do in between lights? All that valuable time. I decided to write a song about True Father’s life. I didn’t know much about creating an original tune, so I borrowed one that I liked and rewrote the lyrics: ‘Killing me Softly with His Song” It took me many months or even a year to finish this song; I could only work on it at stop lights when the light was green. It was a great way to keep my mind uplifted. Years later I was able to sing it for True Father. At least twice I have performed a short play with this song with my Sunday School youth. A small choir sings. The verses are interspersed with narration about True Father’s life and youth act out the parts - a young True Father slipping money into a fellow student’s pocket; cutting the hair of beggars, and reading a newspaper account of a boy’s suicide, then crying. At the end of the play, during the last verse, people stand up in the audience, walk out to the aisles then onto the stage to participate in a blessing (two Sunday School youth wearing crowns stand on chairs, pretending to sprinkle water on couples as they walk by.) It has been very well received with cheers of “Monsei!” at the end. True Father’s Life When he was just a young boy He saw the pain of man And prayed each day, “Dear God, please help me understand Why is there so much suffering? Can’t I ease my brother’s sorrow? Father, Your children are crying, Dying not knowing Your love How can that be when abounding Your love surrounds me Creation, a testimony Of Your love flowing so free Can’t they see?” One early Easter morning Upon a mountain side In icy snow, the young boy Knelt alone and cried His prayer was so determined Then Jesus came before him, “Young brother, my task is not finished Your help God and I ask of thee Mankind’s still in bondage to satan Can you become Gods true champion, Liberate mankind- God’s true son to set me free? God asks thee.” At first he hesitated Such magnitude this task Could it be possible to fulfill what God had asked? But God’s plea so sincere- It moved the young boy’s heart to tears, “Oh, Father, I cannot refuse You I pledge I’ll accomplish Your will I’ll fight to the death and beyond Whatever I need to Dear Father, I won’t disappoint You Your true son I shall become Thy will be done.” Through trials and suffering so deep I cannot bear to tell This one man persevered alone Through darkest hell Even God turned away, but nothing could make this man sway. “Oh Father, I promised I‘d endure My love and faith now proven pure I've broken the chains that have bound men Opened the gates to Your kingdom Calling Your children to follow I’ll lead the home Every one.” This story is not finished It’s only just begun Of those who heard his words and followed- I am one And you who listen- Are you too the ones on your way home Oh Father, your children are coming Home at last, home to Your heart We gratefully offer our whole lives To follow Your true son and his bride The whole world we’ll bring back to Your side One family we’ll be eternally Amen, allelujah, amen Father, Your true son has freed us To new life he leads us Your heart shall be healed and our hearts be one- with Your son Your kingdom’s come- Amen. A Mark of Honor
Our first stop in CA was a center in San Francisco. Another team was there from National MFT-.an elite force. They were all sisters. I noticed when we were dressing that one sister had a large black and blue mark on her hip. I asked her what happened. “Oh, nothing”, she replied, “it’s just from carrying the box of candles on my hip [all day for weeks or months]. I secretly wanted a mark like that; it was like a war medal that military men wear proudly on their jackets, only mine would be hidden; only God would know. I thought, "If people die from working hard, I want to be the first American member to die from investing everything in fundraising.” It turns out people don’t usually die from working hard; they get stronger. Now I know. Cain and Courage One of the first teams I was on, the captain was very organized and punctual. The next team, the captain was disorganized and usually late picking us up. As I prepared my product with another sister, Nidnoy, I was complaining on and on about this new captain. She finally said, “Wow, you’re really “Cain.” I was taken aback. How many lectures had I heard about Cain inheriting Satan’s nature- #1.Failure to see from God’s point of view. To restore #1 we must strive to see others (in this case, my captain) from God’s point of view, appreciate, respect and serve him, and receive God’s love from him- as the first Cain should have done with his brother, Abel. Once I became aware of my fallen behavior I could change it. I shall always be grateful to my sister, Nidnoy, (that means small in Thai); she loved me enough to be honest with me. To tell someone their weakness takes courage. If we really love someone, do we want them to go to the spirit world with extra baggage weighing them down? Love you, Nidnoy! 300! One day, I stopped to eat lunch and sat down on a park bench nestled in the trees. I became mesmerized by nature, starting with the most exquisite, twig caterpillar which looks exactly like a miniature tree branch! I lost all sense of time When I finally ‘came to’ I was perturbed at myself for wasting precious time. “God”, I prayed, “please don’t let me do that again until Your Kingdom is built.” FYI- 1: True Father said that we can look at a grain of sand for a thousand years in the spirit world and never grow tired of its beauty. FYI-2: Twig caterpillars’ Latin name is Geometridae; God made more than 300 species of this moth caterpillar! Drunk? Sometimes I was so tired that if I stopped to use the bathroom I would fall Asleep in the stall. I tried never to sit down the entire day. One afternoon, I sat down on a curb near the main street to eat my lunch, but kept dozing off in the warm sun and falling over, then catching myself. That night on a bar run, a customer shouted, pointing at me, “There’s that girl who was drunk in the middle of the day!” How mortifying! On Drugs? Another time I was stopped by hospital security from selling my framed pictures to staff. I convinced the administration that staff was really interested in purchasing art for their newly renovated offices, so I was given permission to set up my pictures in the cafeteria the next day. What a blessing! I stood beside the display as employees ate breakfast, but, because I was not moving around, I kept falling asleep- standing up. The staff was very concerned that I was on drugs. (I was very skinny then too.). I assured them that I was just tired, so they brought me a coffee. I still kept falling over. They angrily insisted I pack up and leave. Immoral? Although our lifestyle in our movement was celibate and very sacrificial, I was sometimes seen as a ‘loose woman’ as I fundraised at all hours and in every imaginable locale, including bars. I wished that I could wear a nun’s habit so that at least my religious calling was obvious, but no. Like a spy working incognito, my true identity was known to but a few. Since God was one of them, it was comforting to feel His presence. As I walked the streets I would sometimes sing this verse I wrote to the tune of a popular Spanish tune: “Aye, Aye, Aye, Aye. Canto sin miedo-porque siempre con Dios, mi Padre, nunca camino solo.” (I sing without fear because I am always with God, my Father. I never walk alone.) In Prison There have been countless times when I’ve been seen as idiotic, incompetent, immoral or untrustworthy, even though I was striving with my utmost sincerity to do God’s will. I think it is safe to say that most, if not all, members have had similar experiences. God Himself is blamed for all the wrongs in the world, when He is actually working nonstop to end them...or to work with people to end them. When following God, we find ourselves in the same situation as God, Himself. Trying to prove our innocence is almost always futile; we must simply continue moving forward. I think aboutTrue Father when he was in prison; he comforted God. How blessed we are to have an example of a true way of life. A Bus Trip? At times we had long stretches to walk during the day. Once I felt so exhausted; I imagined getting on a bus, not to leave, but just simply to take a break. After I sat down, Heavenly Father (as an old man) got on the bus too and sat down in front of me, all the while crying. So, really! Where am I going to escape my responsibility when God is always right there with me? Artistic Tapestry As long as I can remember I was involved in art, drawing, painting, sculpture...until I joined the Unification Movement. Art had been the core of my life. While on one of those long treks from one town to the next, I wondered if I would ever create any art again. Without words, God showed me that my life itself was my artwork- every emotion, every interaction -these were the colored threads being woven into the tapestry of my life. I was ‘doing art’ every day, every moment. I have thought about that long after MFT. Now I would advise all artists to spend time volunteering before immersing themselves in their art. And comfort all artist mothers - and all mothers- to recognize the sacred art of parenting. Lamenting Team members sometimes lamented to me, missing their family and friends. I listened politely and felt sorry for their longing. Conversely I was blessed; my life before the church had been so difficult that I did not look back and long for anything. Palm Springs Sewage Once evening,I had my framed pictures set up outside a convenience store in a residential area of Palm Springs- a very wealthy part of CA. The streets were surprisingly empty. Finally a woman came by the store; she was in a hurry. I commented about it being so quiet. She said, “Yes, they're going to reveal who shot JR tonight.” I thought she meant JFK, and said ‘Oh I read something about a conspiracy theory who shot JFK.” She looked at me strangely and said, “No. JR. JR.” as though I should know exactly who JR was. “Who is JR?” I asked her. She seemed somewhat shocked that I did not know. When she told me he was a character on TV, I was stupefied. This entire town of wealthy, educated people is sitting watching a soap opera on TV?! Maybe poor folk, yes.; TV is cheap entertainment, but rich people who have millions of options for their time! Was this laughable?...or worrisome? I’ve seen large beautiful homes with ever larger TV screens in each room- even in the hallways and kitchen. To me turning on TV is akin to opening a sewer into one’s home. Yet people’s awareness of what they are doing is turned off. So with all of their TVs, rich people are allowing more sewage into their homes- like the ancient Romans dying from lead poisoning as they lived a life of wanton gluttony. Superfluous apparel On MFT there were many opportunities to lose one’s pride and sense of dignity- nonessential components that they are. The captain once lost the team members’ clothes at a laundromat - either he just forgot them when we drove to another town or someone had actually stolen them. Rather than give members money and allow us to buy some new clothes, he went to a thrift store and bought clothes for us by himself. Consequently, we wore pants that were too short, shirts that were too tight or too loose and styles that were obviously outdated. CA is probably the most image-conscious state of any in the US. We were out on the street in outfits that attracted attention by their awkwardness. So how can we meet people all day long and bring results when they are distracted- and repelled- by our appearance? SMILE. Our energy and smile had to be so powerful that we dominated the situation. Integrity is more essential than pride and dignity. We had to hold onto that tightly like a lifeline, remembering who we are (God’s emissaries) and what our mission is and make our smile our outfit. We all survived this challenging situation. Parent/child connection There were times - especially in the morning when we were piling into our vehicles- that I have felt God’s gratitude that we were going out to fundraise. How astonishing and humbling! That God should let His heart be known- a Father to His sons and daughters- Thank you, dear children- for going out today. Now as I write this, perhaps it was True Father in his morning prayer, reaching out to us from NY to CA. Either way it was heart-melting. Sports Arena One day I was selling Big Stick Gum (about 12” x 4”). I entered an empty stadium, thinking I might sell to some employees. I had never been to a stadium before and rarely watched sports. Now, I was awed by the huge capacity of the building (about 70,000) and the fact that all spectators would be focused on a handful of players on the field. Instantly the analogy of the spirit world and people on earth sprang into my mind. Billions (or more) spiritual beings are spectators watching what was transpiring on earth. Matt. 18:18 “What you bind on earth shall be bound in Heaven; What you loose on earth shall be loosed in Heaven.” We on earth are the players in the field; what we do while on earth has a direct impact in the spirit world. We are being watched by the cheering (or booing) crowds of our ancestors and all those entities dwelling in the Spiritual Realm. Red Dragonfly Boom-booms were a cute product purchased from Asia, probably Japan. A small chubby fuzzy bumblebee, a pipe-cleaner firefly with gauze-like wings, butterflies of multiple colors and designs- each one attached to a long thin metal stick; these could be put into potted plants, an office pencil holder or anywhere for decoration. We probably sold them $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00. I entered a small restaurant somewhere in Southern CA. The Japanese man behind the counter was busy preparing a takeout order. I quickly gave my spiel, introducing the firefly as “Akai tombo”, the title of a famous Japanese folk song. He asked me to please take a seat and wait. When he was finished with the customer, he came and sat down across from me. The place was empty and quiet. He asked me if he could share a short story with me; I nodded. Near the end of WWII, he was called to be a kamikaze pilot in Japan. Kamikaze were pilots who intentionally crashed their explosive-laden aircraft into an enemy target; thus every mission was suicidal. Every Japanese person- man, woman, child- was called to do their part for the war effort. He and his comrades were quite young, probably high school age or even younger. Supplies were dwindling; gasoline was low and there were few planes with which to train the young men. They relied upon an old bi-plane to learn the basics. Because of its red color, they affectionately called it ‘Akai tombo’, red dragonfly. Each day at mealtime, they would sing the folk song together, then raise their glasses of sake in honor of the ones called for their first -and last- mission. The war ended before he was called up, thus he lived to be sitting here across from me telling the story, reminiscing about all of the friends he had lost so many years ago. He bought the Akai tombo; I thanked him for sharing such a deep story and silently marveled that he was here in the USA; I felt pride that my country could offer a safe, prosperous home for someone who once sought to destroy her. Now as I write this, I sincerely hope and pray that this man will not suffer from survivor’s guilt as he looks at the red dragonfly or remembers his past, but instead that he lives his life joyfully and fruitfully in honor of his precious comrades. FYI- the English translation to the Japanese folk song, Akai Tombo I recall a scarlet dragonfly In the sunset’s glow Why should I remember it so well all those years ago? Was it real or did I dream it High upon that hill? We were picking mulberries And I just a baby still. Nanny went away to marry She was scarce fifteen What has happened to the village All those years in between? Still I see a scarlet dragonfly In the setting sun Over yonder tip of young bamboo Just as day was done. The sentiment of this song is so characteristic of Japanese culture, very similar to a haiku poem which captures one precious second in time. Invisible Freedom I was in a McDonalds. I struck up a conversation with a Vietnamese man in line. It was the late 70’s. (South Vietnam had fallen to communist forces in April 1975). I am forever curious about the stories of immigrants and, after welcoming him and wishing him well, I asked him a few questions. In broken English, he insisted on buying me an orange juice and we sat for a short while in the dining area. I usually ask what they found different or surprising in the US, what they like, what they do not like, etc. An Ethiopian man once told me that when he saw the clean, paved roads in the US he felt an exhilarating feeling of freedom; that he could drive anywhere he wanted. Often immigrants lament that Americans are too busy to have friends, to talk, that life is difficult here with little time to relax and enjoy life. I do not remember any of this kind man’s answers except one which pierced me like an arrow to my core. What did he appreciate the most about America? “The freedom from fear.”, he answered. Have I ever lived in fear? ..other than my own peculiar idiosyncrasies. Freedom from fear is not even one of the five guaranteed freedoms in our Constitution. Surely it is a freedom we take for granted every day of our lives in the US. What kind of life must he have lived before coming here? What must he have endured before coming here and appreciating what is invisible to us? How many people in the world live in fear still?! We must create a world to end this horrific suffering. I thank God, Divine Principle and True Parents a million times a million that I dedicated my youth and my life to end the suffering of my fellow brothers and sisters. But I know all too well I have not done enough. His answer still rankles me. I will not remove that arrowhead; neither will I digest it. I keep it as a burning reminder; there is still more work to be done. Let me never become complacent. |
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