‘Make Me a Rainbow’ Memoir

January 1975, downtown Chicago- I listened to a free lecture ‘about God’ in a nondescript office building; I was 20 years old. The lecturer was a young woman, a few years older than me. Her lesson was the first in a series from the Divine Principle, titled The Principle of Creation. She was so nervous her hand was shaking as she drew various diagrams on a chalkboard to illustrate her presentation, but her anxiety barely registered with me. I was intensely immersed in what she was saying. 

Her explanation of the spiritual world and its relationship to the physical world was remarkably clear and well organized. I had briefly studied numerous faith traditions-Eastern and Western; there are a lot of confusing and contradictory theories about the spirit world being promoted. The Divine Principle version was closer to a scientific description, one that could stand as an overall blueprint into which other narratives could be comfortably placed without criticism, merely clarification. It was refreshingly inclusive. That was my first impression-positive and enthusiastic; I decided to return to hear the entire series. .
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At future lectures, I learned that God is an artist; the Original Artist. This amicable portrayal acted as an irresistible magnet that instantly pulled my heart in. I was born an artist; my life revolved around art, both visual and musical. Art was how I communicated and connected to the world.
The lecturer explained that God’s personality/character is reflected and embodied in everything that He/She created. I have had incredible experiences with nature where even a single blade of grass was astonishingly beautiful. The harmony, peace and grace of nature, the awe- evoking melting hued sunsets, even the mere existence of a single music note- pure sound- could transport me into another world beyond time and space that was more vivid than the physical reality around me. Thus, I knew absolutely: God is infinitely, awesomely beautiful- and sensitive- beyond words. Kind! And Loving! Every positive attribute that exists! 

Growing up, I had thought that God was far away, working on distant galaxies- unaware of insignificant humans. But Divine Principle states unequivocally that God is intimately aware of us. In fact He/She created us in order to share life and love with each and every person! God cannot be truly happy until every human being has returned to His bosom. Without warning the high walls I had constructed to protect me from the fickle, ambiguous and disconcerting world were blown apart; in stepped my new beautiful BFF. 

That first week, I also heard the Fall of Man which explains how human beings turned away from God. Consequently God is suffering deeply because He feels the pain of His children as His own. This absolute pure being, who has never hurt anyone, has been hurt repeatedly by the very ones whom He/She desires to love.  The lecturer said that by responding to God, I could alleviate some of God’s pain. 

This realization was shocking! Overwhelmingly shocking! To understand why I first have to share a bit about my childhood.

I was born with an extreme sensitivity to other people’s emotional pain. Feeling people’s pain- anxiety, loneliness, despair- but unable to alleviate any of it made me feel helpless and very often worthless. Sometimes I saw that I caused irritation to my parents or siblings, then I felt that my value was less than zero. My immature logic led me to justify suicide, reasoning that I was lessening the world’s pain by taking myself out of it. I tried to take my life through various means about six times between the ages of 8 and 17. My last attempt landed me in the hospital and state-mandated psychiatric counseling. 

Please try and imagine that if for the first 20 years of your life you lived in a dark dungeon, then suddenly you were set free, how dazzling life would be! But a key point was the sudden power I discovered I had- to alleviate God’s suffering! In one instant I went from being valueless to having infinite value- from feeling like trash to being empowered to become a brilliant diamond.

Because the beginning of my life was so wretched, no matter how difficult life has been since then, I can never forget that God is with me, my beloved Parent; I never want to cause Him/Her more pain. I love the Divine Principle and the one who wrote these life-giving words, given freely to liberate people. How blessed I am to have heard these golden words. I am eternally grateful to Rev. Moon- and Mrs. Moon- who I call my True Parents; they have, without a doubt, given me new life

I am not a professional musician, but somehow, God moved my heart and led me to capture my feelings again and again in song throughout my life. This song I wrote to God after hearing  the full series of the Divine Principle. I borrowed the tune. 

Make Me a Rainbow
tune: Bring Me Red Roses and Yellow Balloons

Make me a rainbow from my heart to Yours
And I’ll bring my friends over
For long winding tours
Through the fields of Your laughter
To Your oceans of tears
And they’ll beg to remain with You
Ten thousand years

Grant me wings golden 
That high I may fly
And soar over the world 
With a new and clear eye 
And I’ll find those lands darkened 
Where lost children roam
With my wings brightly shining
I’ll guide each one home

I wish for a waterfall 
Pure, strong and  clear
That can wash away all 
Of man’s old hate and fears
And in fields that were barren
Your seeds shall be sown
I will faithfully water them 
‘Til they’re full grown

All that I ask, my dear Father above
Please use me to fill 
This whole world with Your love
All that I ask, my dear Father above,
Please use me to fill 
This whole world with Your love.